In any story, more or less true, there are heroes. But for the story to be whole, it also needs other characters. Let’s call them “extras”.

It also happens that sometimes, extras attract attention and finish ahead of the real heroes. And earn the right to become heroes themselves.

So happened to the minions from “Despicable Me”.

The main character is Felonius Gru, a grumpy bald guy, V-shaped, which seems to have skipped a leg workout day. At first it looks selfish, being irritated by the 3 girls – which he adopted at the end. Gru never showed love for his servants – minions – preferring to be cold, but cold things can be good as well; for example, beer.

The minions make so many clumsy mistakes that should make them look undesirable. In spite of this, they’re charming and have an incredible power: they are themselves. Frequently getting everybody’s attention.

So they ended up having their own movie and now they are the heroes. But how would they compare to the famous superheroes?

Let’s do a case study. Let’s say I need to be saved. Who would I prefer to come to my rescue, a minion or a superhero?

1. Superminion vs Superman

   “It’s a bird… It’s a plane… It’s Superman!” Gorgeous flier.

   Only that Superminion looks like an egg. This way we arrive at the most philosophical question: What came first, the egg or …? Difficult choice in this case.

   

   

2. Batminion vs Batman

   Did you see what car Batman has?! It’s the coolest, but the upkeep is superlative too. Just so I can give you an idea, one of the models burns 40 liter of fuel per hundred miles (6 mpg) ¹⁾”The Batmobile drives around Windsor” by Neil Lyndon, article published in The Telegraph on November 29, 2010.

   On the other hand, the minions are thrifty; they wouldn’t spend money on fuel. So I prefer that my life would be saved by Batminion, it is more environmentally friendly.

   

   

3. Spider-minion vs Spider-man

   The first time I watched Spider-man, I had the feeling that he gave me the finger each time he threw his web in action.

   Spider-minion wouldn’t do such a thing – not that he wouldn’t like it, but he has only 3 fingers. So we would have a more pleasant talk while saving my life.

   

   

4. Iron Minion vs Iron Man

   I was always under the impression that Iron Man is rather arrogant. I wouldn’t like my life to be saved by such arrogant men. After that they rub it in for the great deed that they’ve done.

   It would be better if Iron Minion appeared, he would be more charming. And the armour looks great on him – he looks like a hard-boiled egg (boiled with anger?!), ready to be peeled. Looks hot, I could eat him up!

   

   

5. Black Widow Minion vs Black Widow

   Here is a hard choice. I know how a relationship ends with the black widow (the spider ²⁾”Black Widow Spider Facts” by Jessie Szalay, article published in Live Science on October 29, 2014) and this damsel is called the same for good reason. But have you seen the way she looks, the way she moves…? And she has such a strong resemblance to Scarlett Johansson! I feel like I need to be saved. At least once!

   I can almost see myself getting out alive from all this and Natasha Romanoff (yes, “The Widow” is Russian) makes me marry her. And in a year, after “annihilating” cookie after cookie, will look like Black Widow Minion. So why waste time with illusions – if that’s fate, I choose the Widow Minion directly.

   

   

6. Captain America Minion vs Captain America

   Captain America looks like the ideal savior. Only you know how Americans are: after they help you escape, they want to recover their expenses. With interest. And I don’t have an oil rig in my back yard.

   Minions don’t quite understand how money works. I give them a banana and they’re happy. So I prefer this version.

   

   

7. Wolverine Minion vs Wolverine

   If I really see Wolverine, with his eyes frowning and frightening blades, the fear alone would probably kill me. He wouldn’t even get the chance to save me.

   Wolverine Minion seems more ready to slice bananas. Maybe he gives me some while saving me. (As a hostage, I heard that they apply all sorts of mental torture on you, for example, they don’t give you any bananas – even a whole week!)

   

   

8. Thor Minion vs Thor

   How would it be to see someone coming to your rescue with a sledgehammer? Compared to Thor, the guys from the extrication team look really graceful.

   Minion Thor has a little hammer. I don’t know what he can do with it, but the way he winks at me, must mean that he has some trick up his sleeve.

   

   

9. Hulk Minion vs Hulk

   You know the Hulk? No, not the soccer player who supposedly sent the goalkeeper through the nets ³⁾”Hulk SMASH! Zenit striker blasts the ball so hard it knocks the goalkeeper THROUGH THE NET” by Jim Daly, article published in Daily Mirror on June 26, 2015, but the superhero. He’s a mountain of muscle. I would be out of any prison, but only if his muscles feel like doing so because he doesn’t look like this all the time. He has to get angry or who knows what more. And then how much confidence could you have in a giant with muscles? He can destroy everything in his path, regardless of his best intentions. It’s just like the final scene of “Mice and Men” ⁴⁾”Of Mice and Men” by John Steinbeck; better let it go.

   But Hulk Minion is adorable even angry. He would kill all enemies in his path. Choke them with laughter.

   

   

10. Green Lantern Minion vs Green Lantern

    Hal Jordan would be an interesting savior. But his powers depend on the energy he has available. I can almost see that his batteries leave him high and dry exactly when I needed him the most.

    I bet Green Lantern Minion recharges with a raw banana. And anyway, minions seem to have endless energy.

    

    

11. Wonder Minion vs Wonder Woman

    This miraculous woman has a name: Princess Diana of Themyscira. That was the city of the Amazons, somewhere in Greece. With all due respect to the Amazons, who were women of action, but since the Trojan Horse incident, supposedly Greeks are not to be trusted. If I need to be saved and only Wonder Woman could do it, surely she would find a more handsome guy than me to be saved first. And then, nowadays, Greeks struggle to save themselves – take a look how their economy plunders.

    Little minion Wonder Woman is no better: the chubby little prices seems to have liked fast food a bit too much. She’ll save me after finishing her burger, plus a hot dog with fries and ketchup. Followed by a dessert. She already forgot about me.

    

    

12. Zorro Minion vs Zorro

    Zorro deserves respect. The only super-technology he only has available is his sword, and his superpower is courage. If only I was a sexy lady, I wouldn’t worry. But I’m not.

    I think that my luck sits in the hands of Zorro Minion. Moreover, he makes a delicious Z.

    

    

    
    

    

    

13. Minions in Black vs Men in Black

    Men in Black will remove aliens from Earth. But let’s be honest: what aliens?! I rather think that men in black need men in white. I don’t trust that they’ll save me.

    At least black minions have a sense of humor. They’re not aggressive, and their lethal weapon is a banana. They could save me from a bad day.

    

    

Unlike superheroes, minions are not trying to have the perfect body, muscle pouches with which to attract potential passionate “victims”. They are just as attractive as they are. By their behavior, naivety and infinite self-confidence, have won a lot of teenage girls and even more.

Although superheroes always win all the cheers after an act of heroism, minions do not need such a thing. Their only reward is bananas, which to them is more precious than gold.

I strongly believe that the team made of Kevin, Stuart and Bob can compete with any team of 3 consisting of any superhero. Even with the Fantastic 4. No one has superpowers as minions do!

Lately we heard about trios like: BBC (Benzema + Bale + Cristiano Ronaldo) or MSN (Messi + Suarez + Neymar), which are unstoppable on the soccer field. Can’t wait to hear about KSB (Kevin + Stuart + Bob)! How about that, sounds cool?!

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Article written exclusively for Miratico by Lucian Velea

Lucian Velea is the founder of Miratico and many other online projects.